Pass me the tequila and salt. Or sugar and citron vodka. Mmmmm, lemondrops. Cliché sayings annoy me, because they are usually being told to you by someone who really doesn’t care enough to actually to actually be there for you. I thought 2010 was going to be my year. Things were changing and improving in every asset of my life. Then, as quickly as everything changed for the better, it all disappeared. In the past month, I’ve had challenges with friendships, loss of love, and have been knocked on my ass once again by the economy. Stop giving me lemons, life! My liver is getting pissed. Actually, my liver can handle it…it went to college. My heart is the one that is having trouble. I keep throwing it under the bus.
I have a tendency to be very impulsive and spontaneous, and I’ve never doubted myself because of it. I’ve actually always liked that about myself. With great risk comes great reward. I’ve don’t like to live my life wondering, “What if…” However, there are many times that I’ve ended up being out on a very shaky limb all by myself. I think my willingness to always give; to always put other’s happiness before mine is partially to blame. But is that a bad trait? I can’t decide. I love seeing people happy. I keep telling myself that one of these days, the great risk will pay off, and I will be immensely happy, and all the heartache will have been worth it. Someday I will have someone who wants to give back to me. Someone who puts my happiness at the top of their priorities. Someone who thinks I am worth the effort. Someday. I still believe that. But there are times that I struggle. I’ve actually re-read my “Baggage” blog post several times this month, just to remind myself that these are just battle scars, and I need to be proud of the things that I’ve overcome. Things that I don’t share on a public blog.
I’ve always been a positive person – hence the blog name, but sometimes I need a gentle reminder in order to find that silver lining. I keep being told that I need to look out for Number One…myself. I know it’s true, but it just seems so damn selfish to me. Why do we need to always look out for “Number One,” why can’t we just all look out for each other? I know, it is a naïve outlook, but that is what I want in my life - in my relationships with friends, in romantic relationships…in any sort of relationship. I think that when you are in a truly great relationship, whether that be a friendship, family relationship, or a romantic relationship, then it is 50/50 give and take. You don’t have to be constantly looking out for Number One, because you know that your Number One (the other person) has got your back.
I want to say that I am going to continue my life, only looking out for Number One…but I know it’s not true. My heart rules over my head more often than not. I’m going to do my thing, I am going to be me. I have a wall up, and it will be harder for someone to get through. But…at the same time, when things are really good…I will let go. I will let go and let myself be happy. Because that is what life is all about. I can’t spend my life being cautious, being afraid of being hurt. I need to live, to enjoy my happiness. So that is what I am going to do. And someday, someday, things will turn out better than I ever expected. Because life just surprises you like that sometimes. That’s what I believe. Always look for the silver lining.
2 comments:
First off, awesome first paragraph. I hate cliche sayings too. When you're down, the last thing you want to hear is "Everything happens for a reason." Which that statement may be true, but God damnit, when you're down, you don't believe that. You don't believe it until something really wonderful comes from it.
I know you're hurting. You don't like to say you're hurting because your personality doesn't like to allow yourself to do just that - hurt.
I hope I'm one of the relationships in your life you can count on because I will ALWAYS have your back. No matter what. You are the best person in my life and I am lucky enough to have had you for so long. Anyone would be lucky to have you. They are the one(s) missing out on a great soul.
Sheridan
You can be no other than who you are. Who would you trade places with? I'll tell you -- no one. I can assure you, there are many who would trade places with you.
You only need one good connection in life -- and that will come, right when you think not -- i am certain of it.
Worry not, kick back , relax, and wait.....
Post a Comment